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HERE ARE 16 THINGS YOU CAN DO NOW
TO GET READY FOR
THE UPCOMING AUTOCROSS SEASON.
By Jeffrey Carter

1. Put on clothes you would typically wear on a hot
day. Run in
place, in your shower, with cold water cascading down
on you, and
sporadically bend over and pick up something. Do this
for 1 hour.

2. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and
let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts.
Let it drip into
your clothes.

3. Put on clothes you would typically wear on a cold
day. Go to a
steel plant and run in place next to the smelter and
sporadically bend
over and pick something up. Do this for 1 hour.

4. Got to a tanning salon and get a good sunburn on
your face. Then,
put your face in front of a fan, turn the fan on, and
throw sand into
the back of it.

5. Crawl under your car and sporadically drop nuts and
bolts, hot oil,
grease, and old rubber hoses on your face. Scrape a
hose clamp
across your knuckles.

6. Pour oil and anti-freeze all over your body, put
sunscreen in your
eyes, and stand in the sun for 1 hour.

7. Don’t drink any liquid for 12 hours. Then quickly
drink 4 cans of
beer.

8. Drink 3 cups of coffee and wait 6 hours before
going to the bath-room
at the worst gas station you can find.

9. Push your car up and down the block 3 times wearing
your helmet
with the visor down.

10. Find a highway construction area and run over
every orange cone
you can see. Then get out, walk back, and put every
cone back in its
place while arguing with each construction worker you
encounter.

11. Get up at 4:00am and drive in heavy traffic for
five hours - any-where
- towing your race car.

12. Push a small bucket over your head before you go
to bed each
night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue
smeared on
the lenses. Sporadically pop one of the lenses out and
scrape it on
the ground.

14. Buy a new pair of driving gloves or shoes and
immediately throw
one away.

15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Take a short length
of 2" round
pipe and bash yourself in the head with it. Run over
your foot with
your car. Periodically stumble and fall.

16. Repeat all of the above every Sunday until it’s
time for the real
thing.